Dear Doctor, I am lost without the metrostyle line. Help!

Oh I know – it bothers me too with those metronomically cut rolls. One minute you’re all alla marcia and the next without the thin red line in sight you’re all at sea! Take a fluorescent marking pen and write the true speed across the sheet large so you can’t fail to slow down in time. I have seen recently a roll where someone had written on it “Oi! Slow down mate!” just after the introduction. If you need this sort of reminder just go right ahead. You can but only gain by using these interpretational aide memoires!

Dear Doctor, can ragtime harm leather gaskets?

No, playing ragtime piano rolls can’t harm leather gaskets. Stride piano, however, has been suspected as a cause of corrosion in pot metal castings and companies whose players had pot metal castings never issued stride pianorolls for this reason one suspects i.e. Farrand Cecilian, Higel etc. Of course in the early years it was perceived that ragtime and jazz were the music of the devil and it was a constant concern that hot music might spill from the spool box and harm small children who were pedalling pianolas with their hands. To overcome these safety concerns the pedal trapdoor was made to slide horizontally instead of the ones that clip up and spool boxes were fitted with an additional glass sliding door. And all this thanks to ragtime! Ah well, you know the old saying – “The devil has all the best tunes”!

Dear Doctor, can you suggest a mechanical music oriented holiday?

Why bother splashing out on going to Amsterdam. After having a few screws out you can get plenty rubber, leather and filth inside any old pianola. And while we’re on the subject why bother going all the way to Amsterdam for drugs. You can get the same woozy effect from listening to any Meloto dance roll played slowly with the sustain pedal jammed down with a biro. Alternately see your dealer about scoring you a roll of Beethoven’s Eighth.

Dear Doctor, if rubber won’t go over nipples is this because it’s too kinky?

Yes, that is the reason. Is this a pianola problem?

Dear Doctor, our toddler grandson has just blocked up my tracker bar holes with half a soggy rusk and two handfuls of mashed banana, what am I to do?

Cut him out of your Will.

Dear Doctor, why are Metrostyle lines squiggly?

In short they’re squiggly when they’re done sloppily. When done properly they’re wiggly. Happily, most just are wobbly.

Dear Doctor, do you say “welt-eee” or “veldt” or “weeeelte” or “velt-eee” or what?

I have not a clue and cannot assist.

Dear Doctor, is it easier to play a piece by ear after one hearing than following the roll?

Yes and no. Slow pieces are playable by ear quite easily. However, heavily perforated pieces played presto pose potential problems. Supplying such songs sufficient suction by ear requires deft cranial compression upon the treadles with your ears to avoid accidentally acquiring an acute migraine headache. Manipulation of control levers may also prove problematic during ear treadling. A charming waltz by me and popular at Irish wakes as a two-ear arrangement is my Roll No.D-05 The Funeral March Waltz (Chopin arr Duarte).

Dear Doctor, can old shoe boxes be used for roll storage

Yes, but only certain titles. “The Girl with the Brogue” from ‘The Arcadians’ and “The Flat Foot Floogee” are good examples.

Dear Doctor, how might I best fabricate replacement roll boxes?

Cut the bottom few inches from a Cornflakes box and the same from a slightly larger Rice Krispies box. Place the roll in the bottom of the Cornflakes packet and then put the top of the Rice Krispies box over it for a perfect fitting lid. You can save on assembly time if you keep repeating the words “Cornflakes – bottom – Rice Krispies – top” while you assemble the boxes. Eating this much cereal to re-box your collection is very healthy indeed!