Lost without Metrostylee Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Inane drduarte 9:08 am

Dear Doctor, I am lost without the metrostyle line. Help!

Oh I know – it bothers me too with those metronomically cut rolls. One minute you’re all alla marcia and the next without the thin red line in sight you’re all at sea! Take a fluorescent marking pen and write the true speed across the sheet large so you can’t fail to slow down in time. I have seen recently a roll where someone had written on it “Oi! Slow down mate!” just after the introduction. If you need this sort of reminder just go right ahead. You can but only gain by using these interpretational aide memoires!

 

Ragtime damage limitation Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Inane drduarte 9:06 am

Dear Doctor, can ragtime harm leather gaskets?

No, playing ragtime piano rolls can’t harm leather gaskets. Stride piano, however, has been suspected as a cause of corrosion in pot metal castings and companies whose players had pot metal castings never issued stride pianorolls for this reason one suspects i.e. Farrand Cecilian, Higel etc. Of course in the early years it was perceived that ragtime and jazz were the music of the devil and it was a constant concern that hot music might spill from the spool box and harm small children who were pedalling pianolas with their hands. To overcome these safety concerns the pedal trapdoor was made to slide horizontally instead of the ones that clip up and spool boxes were fitted with an additional glass sliding door. And all this thanks to ragtime! Ah well, you know the old saying – “The devil has all the best tunes”!

 

Metrostyle Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Inane drduarte 9:00 am

Dear Doctor, why are Metrostyle lines squiggly?

In short they’re squiggly when they’re done sloppily. When done properly they’re wiggly. Happily, most just are wobbly.

 

Lost n found Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Inane drduarte 8:47 am

Dear Doctor, what’s the oddest thing you found inside a player piano.

After putting up “Lost” signs on trees down my road I was in despair as to the whereabouts of my pet cat. In despair I sank down into my armchair and put a roll on my custom built remote control pedal-electric “Meloto-Art” player. Pulling the remote control string the motor kicked into life with a most wretched goddam awful racket! I thought I had pump thump until I opened the bottom board. The cat shot out and made for the door but I managed to knock it out with a well thrown roll of “Der Meistersingers Von Nurnberg”. I went straight down the vets to have him neutered after that I can tell you!

 

Ragtime Gobbling Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Inane drduarte 8:40 am

Dear Doctor, I recently acquired a roll of “The Ragtime Goblin Man” and was wondering if this related to a true life character much the same as “Bill Bailey” does.

Yes indeed, the Ragtime Goblin Man did exist. Early in his career he was the Jig-time Cakewalk Man. He was banned from the 1894 St Louis Cakewalk Championship upon discovery his legs were naturally bandy and he was therefore to be regarded as professional. (Incidentally, Torvill and Dean retired from ice skating championships for similar reasons.) He resurfaced as the Ragtime Goblin Man around 1905 and developed a reputation for scratching ivory piano keys with a sharpened treble clef. After the ragtime crash of 1918 he found himself unemployable. Defecting to Germany in 1939 he restyled himself as The Wartime Gremlin Man and mainly seized up Spitfire engines during WWII. In the early 50’s recanting his ragtime reminiscences for the book “They All Played Ragtime” he vehemently insisted that he was a genuine goblin and had solely invented ragtime and as such had never really been taken seriously. These “reminiscences” never reached the final print and he died very senile indeed six months later.

 

Musical snob values Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Inane drduarte 12:33 am

Dear Doctor, I am a musical snob who revels in presenting obscure works to my musical acquaintances for my own edification. Having exhausted obscurity I wonder whether you could suggest a few pieces.

Dear Reader, I should dearly like to assist however I must decline. Were I to make such suggestions you might, to my detriment, present my discoveries as your own for I too am a musical snob you see.

 

Pluralola Saturday, Jul 19 2008 

Inane drduarte 12:31 am

Dear Doctor, I have two player pianos and need to sell one but am unsure as to the best way to proceed. Someone told me that I actually have two pianolii. Unfortunately I have deduced that if I sell half my pianolii then I would be left with one pianolus which is not something I want. However if I had two pianolot being the correct declention of pianolim in the biblical Hebrew sense as in “cherubim” and then sell one of these only then would I be left with one pianola; which is what I am trying to achieve. Please advise as to the best course of action.

Dear Reader, you need to get out more.

 

Polishing Mahogany Friday, Jul 18 2008 

Advice - Good and Inane drduarte 2:30 pm

Dear Doctor, I regularly polish my mahogany Steck pianola with copious amounts of liquid beeswax then buff it to a high gloss. I accidentally drank some instead of my tea last week and it put a wonderful shine to my smile. My teeth are mahogany also and I wonder if you might recommend if it is safe that I use beeswax to restore some shine to these too on a regular basis.

Dear Reader, mahogany false teeth date from the days when having a set of brown teeth was high fashion. A high gloss polish is necessary to bring out the beauty of the black in-filled grain. I’ve referred to the 1909 British Pharmacopaea and can confirm that beeswax will buff your Edwardian smile splendidly.

 

Correct Pianoling Attire Friday, Jul 18 2008 

Advice - Good and Inane drduarte 2:25 pm

Dear Docteur, what is appropriate attire for pianoling?

Dear Readeur, old adverts depict the correct attire. For a man; a cigar, a suit and tie. For a lady; a supercilious smirk, a large crinoline dress with lots of flounce and lace. There is a deprecatable modern trend towards jeans and a T-shirt. Whilst this might be fine for the meanderings of Messrs Cook, Kortlander and Confrey it is inappropriate for the rendition of ballads of Messrs Boosey, Hawkes and Eskimo Nell. If you cannot countenance proper attire I beg of you to compromise by wearing a purple corduroy suit with a bow tie. These suits, being the national dress of Poland (since they render borscht stains invisible) are wearable for several months without need of a washing machine. I highly recommend them.